Blame It On The (Lack of) Internet & Where I've Been...

So for the very first time ever, I'm doing something I've NEVER ever done before in all my blogging life: publishing an unedited post directly into my Blogger publisher page. Usually I'm used to typing everything (yes, even my comments) in MS Word and proof-reading before doing the entire copy/paste routine. But not for now at least... So forgive any typos...

I've missed Blogville... I didn't go anywhere. I still do my blog-rounds religiously but I don't leave comments anymore. I try to think of something original or witty to type and everything comes out sounding cliche.

The poor internet services (helped by the rumoured SAT-3 shenanigans) haven't helped either. I've blown a fortune sitting down in cafes waiting for Blogger's sign-in page to load. Not helpful too when you have to move around cautiously with work ID and laptop receipts (both fakes in my own case) before a trigger-happy policeman nabs you for Advanced Fee Fraud. Funny enough, the real scammers have no such fear of the Police.

So where have I been all this while? Well, I'm getting my new digital high from Twitter. I put up the widget here before so people could follow me but since my family's still intent on knowing all I do online I had to take it down. I haven't abandoned Blogville, just that the crowd on Twitter seem so focused and yet nobody there takes themselves too seriously at the same time. Turns out the 140-character limit really brings out the best in certain people literary-wise...

Funny enough, I relate with certain bloggers even better there than on Blogger. Plus I've even met a few in real-life too though I'm not mentioning names! It's an open secret anyway...

Enough of the free PR. As for my personal life, not much has changed I'm afraid. Still out of work and as I type this, I'm supposed to be getting my beauty sleep in preparation for an interview back in Lagos but I've just decided I'm not going anyway. I'd gone for 4 (yes, four!) previous interviews in June at the same said company for an Engineering position only for the Manager to flip the whole thing  around. Now, just when I leave Lagos for a few days to give myself a much-deserved rest (?) they want me to come back for a 5th interview as a temporary Trainee! Not only has the position been downgraded from a full post, but I hear that the job is just a one month contact  meaning I'll be back on the dole within one month.

I guess I'm just pissed because I missed another earlier job opportunity just to attend the previous interviews in the first place and I'm still beating myself up for not choosing the other company. I'm still hoping and praying though because it's almost 6 months now since I quit and my siblings' patience must be wearing thin. My mom wants to help but it hurts knowing I should be fending for her now and not the other way round.

Speaking of praying, I haven't been doing much of that either. I still talk to GOD but we're not as tight as we used to. He's still there for me but I'm the one holding back. Even when I want to run mad with frustration, He still does something - anything - to show me His awesome presence whether it's as simple as showing me where I misplaced my wallet or giving me the courage to let go of fear and seek out wonderful people who want to help me without even knowing my real name. He's just too good to me and I hope I can get back to how we used to be. I hardly talk about religious stuff so this out-pouring is still making me a bit uncomfortable. That's just me I guess.

August holds a lot of emotional memories for me and I'm hoping I'll have the courage to blog about them. Interestingly, they mostly revolve around women (or the lack of). My best female friend's getting married in a few weeks and our talks concerning marriage have been very interesting. I'm trying to schedule a post as I write this so...

Everybody's hooking up nowadays and it's rather scary in a way.  But what's even more annoying is when people you've known all your life start showing attitude just because they've paid a dowry, hired a church and worn a ring. I'm not beefing marriage but oh well, why am I even saying all this anyway?

And in case you peeps haven't figured it out by now, I'm rambling like mad, the sole reason I never do unplanned posts. I wasn't even going to put up a post up till like 20 minutes ago when I checked out a new blog I'd just discovered and saw someone saying he'd missed me since I'd gone MIA. So this one's for you Kay9, that's if you haven't given up on my blogs.

Time to hit the Publish Post button under this edit text field and broadcast my jargon to the world. I'm too lazy to even look for an image to accompany this post so I'm using Kay9's profile picture hoping he'll see it.

Gotta go now... MS Word rocks! No endorsements intended but I'm never trying this ish again...

Looking For The Real Blogger

Nothing to do. Inspired by no-one. The words just flowed…

Dear blogville,

As you read this, I am on a search. For years I have trawled blogville looking for someone, or maybe something. The personification of a concept.

I am looking for the real blogger.

The real blogger is almost impossible to place, hard to find but I’m still looking.

The real blogger does not reside in Lagos; she does not live or work on the Island. She might never reach Ozumba Mbadiwe in a year unless the need arises and when the need does indeed arise, she does not ride there in a Toyota Avensis equipped with factory-fitted A/C. Instead she gratefully takes the molue any morning she can get it so as to save her hard-gotten cash.

The real blogger has never entered The Palms on any excuse whatsoever. What has the fish got to do with the birds? She thinks malls can only be found in the U.K. She has dreams though. Dreams that someday soon she will get to watch a movie at Silverbird so she can also brag to her friends about it, about the ambience of the place. Prior to that day she will beg, crawl and if need be, offer me sex so I’ll take her there. And like the gentleman fool I am, I will reject the sex and still take her there all the while ruing the fact that I can buy several pirated DVDs, each containing about 16 movies for the same price of watching one at The Galleria. Ambience does come at a high price but I have to brag to my friends too, don’t I?

Or maybe I’ll just take Real Blogger to Terra Kulture instead to watch one of Laspapi’s plays. After all, I love the theatre even though Terra K’s price is way above the 50 Naira I used to pay to watch the occasional play at The Lobster in the Uni days. But of course I won’t tell RB that, will I? Instead I will smile at each joke the thespians crack or shed real tears when my favourite character dies. Part of the tears will be for my wallet as the busier part of my mind calculates the transport fare back.

RB always has problems going to the bank because she is a low “net worth customer”. Her two ATM cards from two different banks never work and the Customer Service lady keeps saying “we’ll get back to you”. Last week, when I escorted her there once again, RB told me the male cashier implied he could change her world forever as he slyly passed her his business card. All she had to do was say yes! Like that bank advert…

RB loves reading books but she can’t afford to shop at Nu Metro. Instead she stops by the roadside bookseller’s to pick up a dog-eared second-hand book if her meager salary’s been paid. If it hasn’t, she tells Osondu to reserve it for her till next time. He never does.

But RB never complains of her situation because she has an escape. She has a blog where she’s a 5 foot 11 inches tall all-woman, dashing in her good looks, confident in her feminity and assured of her sexuality. Beyonce, J-Lo, Shakira and Paris Hilton combined can’t measure up to her. She has multiple dates, each beginning at Marco Polo and ending in heartbreaks in Ocean View whenever she tires of the wealthy Adonises.

She has never used an ATM in all her virtual life; MasterCard and Visa are now her currency. The last time she held a Naira note was when one mistakenly fell into her lap during the shooting of 2Shotz’s last music video. She’s an investment banker by day, leading socialite by night.

She doesn’t suffer anymore the real-life risks of possible Police detention while sitting bum-bum to bum-bum in a stinking cyber café with soprano-sounding crooks who speak with platinum-fake accents to their magas then curse them afterwards in Yoruba. Why would she when she now has a killer Acer Aspire laptop and broadband internet access in her bedroom thanks to her latest catch: the bank manager who promptly fired that randy cashier.

The real blogger doesn’t have my time anymore. She’s always off to book-reading sessions with authoresses or album-listening parties. Shopping in the malls or partying on private beaches. Appearing on TV entertainment shows or in the Fashion & Style pages of magazines.

You see, that’s why I’m still looking for the Real Blogger.

The former real blogger is gone. She doesn’t swim with the fishes anymore. She now flies with the birds.

And I want her back...