Discovering LG

Anonymity always intrigues me. Quite recently, I “met” a popular female blogger and our pleasant interactions to say the least, made me realise how radically real-life personalities differ in features and character from how we imagine the blogger’s persona to be.That “meeting” inspired this piece of faction but which part is fact and how much is fiction is left to the reader’s discretion…

The story begins…

Patience, he told himself as he nervously tweaked his tie for what must have been the umpteenth time. Just a few minutes more…

He glanced around once more before looking at his watch - no, make that his brother’s watch. It was hilarious indeed. Here he was waiting for someone whom he had absolutely no idea what she looked like, timing her with a wristwatch that didn’t belong to him and struggling with a tie that wasn’t his either. If only he’d known the dumb thing would add to his tension by strangling him, he wouldn’t have bothered going through the pains of borrowing one and stuck with informal dressing instead. But he had a first impression to make anyway. And a lasting one too…

Adding to his discomfiture was the location for their date. The Food Court at The Palms had been totally her idea and for the past 20 minutes he had been sitting at the table glancing at his brother’s watch, fumbling with his brother’s tie and dodging the daggers the attendants were shooting at him with their eyes.

Fools! No matter how eager they were to kill him, he wasn’t going to order anything more than the over-priced table water until she arrived. Yes, even in the midst of his anxiety the humour of the situation never failed to strike him. He could scarcely afford the dinner but at least he could still afford to laugh at himself. The odd mixture of fear and excitement he felt seemed to radiate from every pore of his body so much so that the couple sitting at the other table caught the vibe and cast him sideways glances.

It was amusing, he thought, that all this had started like these things usually start, with a comment. Or rather, a series of comments…

It all began back in those days when Naughty Eyes used to wander the fields of Blogville, a cyber-nobody, wondering what act of internet delinquency he’d commit would grant him the much-craved notoriety. Would a wildly racial, controversial and biased post do the trick or should he just stun blogville and poach one of Afrobabe’s pictures?

Those juvenile thoughts had been utmost in his mind when he first spotted her comments. No one can really say on whose blog this meeting took place but he took note of her words: impish, short, witty, and cryptic. He skipped to another blog and she was there. Then on to yet another. And another, and another... She was everywhere!

Before his café ticket expired, their connection was so strong he already knew several things about her: she was a frequent blogger, wrote a very funny blog liberally sprinkled with pidgin English slangs, the high sense of humour very evident even in her comments and she was usually one of the first to leave them on others’ blogs. She was LadyGuide a.k.a. LG. He couldn’t believe this. Could this be love at first write?

And slowly their dance had begun. He did the foolish things most young men do. He studied all her archives and comments to see if he had any rivals. Luckily he didn’t seem to, aside from one Orunmila Chief Priest like that but that one could be easily “settled”. He chased her from blog to blog leaving coy comments on hers and she did same on his. Sometimes he’d shock her by radically contesting her views, other times he’d apologise. One foot first and then another: side-step, duck, weave, jab… they danced to a tune that only both of them could hear.

There were landmark days; special moments. Like the day she called him: my sweet potato. Saying he was ecstatic didn’t even cut it close, he was way over the moon! Never one to shirk from the spotlight, he then launched a campaign, proclaiming his affection for her to everyone on Blogville.

But like long distance relationships, love comments on Blogville just weren’t enough. He was single, lonely, desperate even. He thought long and hard before deciding to make the shift from virtual to reality.

There were other landmark days, like the days he sent her e-mail. First one step and then another: jab, side-step, duck, butt, weave… they still danced to that tune only the two of them could hear. And the culmination of their dance had reached its crescendo, a dance that started with a comment and peaked with him asking if she’d agree to go on a date with him.

And oh goody goodness, she had agreed! But then there were several conditions: all interaction between them would be via e-mail. No phone calls, no meetings, not even a picture so he could know what she looked like. She would fix the day, place and time. All he had to do was make sure he dragged himself there. She had gone as far as describing the table he’d sit at. With all the instructions, he wasn’t even sure who’d eventually foot the bill but he’d still come prepared.

Sitting at that table now, he couldn’t stop wondering what LG would look like, think like, talk like, sound like. To the best of his knowledge, no-one in Blogville had ever met her and the fact that he would be the first didn’t do anything to make his breath come easier. It was just like meeting… Who? Obama? In fact no name he could think of even came close. Would she be tall, fat, light-skinned? Or short and dark? Maybe she was butt ugly hence all the secrecy? Nah! LG had better be beautiful or else…

Or else what? Hey young man, who the hell died and made you judge? Look who’s talking of beauty. Monkey like you? How much do you have in your pocket? Go and siddon jo! Didn’t you clean out your account just for today?

Imagine if your younger brother were to walk in right in the middle of your date and demand for his tie, wristwatch and shoes back, ehn? You are saying “Tufiakwa!” and shaking your head abi? Think it’s impossible? Shebi, you told him what you wanted to borrow them for and where you were going?

But no matter how he tried to shake them out of his head, the avalanche of weird thoughts roared through his skull like soldier ants intent on conquering the egusi soup pot on Christmas day. Left, right, left, right, lef, aigh, lef aigh… Aboooooouuuut turn! An observer looking closely at him would wonder why the young man with the glasses kept muttering to himself and shaking his head. They might even conclude he was insane! Oh well, he muttered then shook his head again for emphasis.

30 minutes now, LG hadn’t still arrived and that couple were still looking at him funny. Once in a while they would lean towards each other and whisper something before looking at him again. “Thank God I’m not the only weirdo in the Food Court this evening!” he thought.

45 minutes and that lousy attendant came to clean the empty space directly opposite his table as a sign to chase him away. How long can you make a 1.5 litre bottle of water last? I guess we’ll just have to wait and find out!

“C’mon LG! What is keeping you?” Then he got worried. Could it be LG had caught whiff of the fact that he had broken the last commandment she’d given him and wasn’t coming anymore? Maybe that was it… For she had sternly given him the final condition if he wanted to see her: Keep this a secret. Tell no-one in Blogville of our date. And she had meant absolutely no-one.

He squirmed in his seat. So what if he couldn’t help telling Rayo about it. They told each other everything - okay, not exactly everything! But did that mean he had to go and tell Esquire, Woomie, Standtall and Afronuts as well? Of course he’d sworn all of them to secrecy but there was no telling who else knew. Or maybe he was just imagining all of this.

He was locked in a battle of stares with the lousy waiter cum attendant who was approaching to disturb him again when out of the corner of his eye he spotted a feminine figure walking directly to his table. The nosy couple killed whatever they were gossiping about and looked up to closely inspect the oncoming lady. He couldn’t see her well himself seeing as she was in the line of his peripheral vision but he knew, he finally knew that his date with LG was going to go well. There was a god in Blogville after all.

He fired off a gloating “I told you so” look straight at the waiter then turned fully to face LG as she drew out a chair and sat down.

Only that something was horribly wrong: she wasn’t LG! Or rather, she definitely wasn’t the LG he was expecting to see…

To Be Continued… Watch out for Part 2 featuring Nkem Owoh, Emeka Amakeze, Stella Damasus and Patience Ozokwor.

To GOD Be The Glory…

PS: OK, I’m just kidding. You can click here to read the story’s conclusion…

PPS: Shayo is going to be on the house for all Bloggers on Saturday, the 20th of June at Solid Gold Exotic Dancers/Female Revue Bar, 25/27 Opebi Road, Ikeja, Lagos. Just mention my name to the bouncers there to gain admission. You can even fit to search for the event on Facebook. But if the bouncers brush you that day, no be me send you oh!

The concluding part of this story came up on Sunday 21st June, just after we must have woken up with hangovers incurred from intake of excessive shayo after watching Naija trash Tunisia in the on-going World Cup qualifiers on Saturday.

**Special Announcement**

For those of you bloggers who play Baba Ijebu, LG says I should give you the following “confirm” numbers for Week 26: 16 - 23 - 12 - 17 - 6 - 8 - 21. If them perm correct and you jam jackpot, remember to keep aside her “commission” oh!

Plus a special MTN voucher worth N1000 from me: 3930 0516 6933. First blogger to recharge with this PIN should leave a comment here thanking me.
Chikena!