Friday, April 10, 2009

Looking For The Real Blogger

Nothing to do. Inspired by no-one. The words just flowed…

Dear blogville,

As you read this, I am on a search. For years I have trawled blogville looking for someone, or maybe something. The personification of a concept.

I am looking for the real blogger.

The real blogger is almost impossible to place, hard to find but I’m still looking.

The real blogger does not reside in Lagos; she does not live or work on the Island. She might never reach Ozumba Mbadiwe in a year unless the need arises and when the need does indeed arise, she does not ride there in a Toyota Avensis equipped with factory-fitted A/C. Instead she gratefully takes the molue any morning she can get it so as to save her hard-gotten cash.

The real blogger has never entered The Palms on any excuse whatsoever. What has the fish got to do with the birds? She thinks malls can only be found in the U.K. She has dreams though. Dreams that someday soon she will get to watch a movie at Silverbird so she can also brag to her friends about it, about the ambience of the place. Prior to that day she will beg, crawl and if need be, offer me sex so I’ll take her there. And like the gentleman fool I am, I will reject the sex and still take her there all the while ruing the fact that I can buy several pirated DVDs, each containing about 16 movies for the same price of watching one at The Galleria. Ambience does come at a high price but I have to brag to my friends too, don’t I?

Or maybe I’ll just take Real Blogger to Terra Kulture instead to watch one of Laspapi’s plays. After all, I love the theatre even though Terra K’s price is way above the 50 Naira I used to pay to watch the occasional play at The Lobster in the Uni days. But of course I won’t tell RB that, will I? Instead I will smile at each joke the thespians crack or shed real tears when my favourite character dies. Part of the tears will be for my wallet as the busier part of my mind calculates the transport fare back.

RB always has problems going to the bank because she is a low “net worth customer”. Her two ATM cards from two different banks never work and the Customer Service lady keeps saying “we’ll get back to you”. Last week, when I escorted her there once again, RB told me the male cashier implied he could change her world forever as he slyly passed her his business card. All she had to do was say yes! Like that bank advert…

RB loves reading books but she can’t afford to shop at Nu Metro. Instead she stops by the roadside bookseller’s to pick up a dog-eared second-hand book if her meager salary’s been paid. If it hasn’t, she tells Osondu to reserve it for her till next time. He never does.

But RB never complains of her situation because she has an escape. She has a blog where she’s a 5 foot 11 inches tall all-woman, dashing in her good looks, confident in her feminity and assured of her sexuality. Beyonce, J-Lo, Shakira and Paris Hilton combined can’t measure up to her. She has multiple dates, each beginning at Marco Polo and ending in heartbreaks in Ocean View whenever she tires of the wealthy Adonises.

She has never used an ATM in all her virtual life; MasterCard and Visa are now her currency. The last time she held a Naira note was when one mistakenly fell into her lap during the shooting of 2Shotz’s last music video. She’s an investment banker by day, leading socialite by night.

She doesn’t suffer anymore the real-life risks of possible Police detention while sitting bum-bum to bum-bum in a stinking cyber café with soprano-sounding crooks who speak with platinum-fake accents to their magas then curse them afterwards in Yoruba. Why would she when she now has a killer Acer Aspire laptop and broadband internet access in her bedroom thanks to her latest catch: the bank manager who promptly fired that randy cashier.

The real blogger doesn’t have my time anymore. She’s always off to book-reading sessions with authoresses or album-listening parties. Shopping in the malls or partying on private beaches. Appearing on TV entertainment shows or in the Fashion & Style pages of magazines.

You see, that’s why I’m still looking for the Real Blogger.

The former real blogger is gone. She doesn’t swim with the fishes anymore. She now flies with the birds.

And I want her back...


  1. Lol, I enjoyed this and it so true....


  2. Look hard NE.
    You'll still find the real blogger.
    I can identify LadyGuide for starters...

  3. @ Tobenna: I fully agree with you. LadyGuide is so REAL!

  4. d real blogger just migh not least from tht description


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